You Attract Your Beliefs About Love

BY MARIA TOSO

It’s a Catch-22, romantic relationships. You cannot fully see your own subconscious beliefs about love until you enter a relationship. Yet, depending on the nature of those beliefs, the partner you energetically attract may not give you what you think you need.

Most of the time, you don’t consciously choose who you are drawn to. It happens on a deeper level, a magnetic pull toward someone who mirrors both the best and the worst of your early caregivers. They feel strangely familiar—maybe because they trigger the very wounds you wish to heal. And so, a dynamic unfolds:

They do that thing that hurts. The thing that, if only they would stop doing it, everything would be much more right. But they won’t. Because they can’t. Not unless they, too, are actively trying to untangle their own energetic belief knots. And just as you wish they would change, they most likely wish the same about you. If only you were different, they would feel safe.

And this is where the paradox lies: You needed this relationship to reveal what was hurt and hidden. Without it, you might never have noticed the emotional knots in your body that are running the show. But the very person who reveals your painful beliefs is often the least equipped to help you transcend them—because they match your unhealed wounds, not the love and presence needed to heal them.

The only way out is through. Not by fixing the other person—they must, of their own free will, choose the path of healing and self-awareness. You must turn toward the ache inside you—the imprint of all the times you felt unloved, unseen, unsafe. That pain has been sitting there all along, not to punish you, but simply waiting to be met. And though it may feel unbearable at first, distracting from it has never worked. Only loving presence works—the kind that says, I see you, I’m here, I love you.

So you sit with it. You breathe with it. You hold it the way you were not held. Like you would a hurting child.

I’m here. I feel you. I love you. I’ve got you. You are not alone.

As you do, the contracted charge begins to dissolve. And when it does, the relationship itself often shifts. If your partner is also committed to healing, there is space to grow together. But if they are not—perhaps they are operating from their own patterns that have yet to be made conscious—then the connection may fade, not because anyone failed, but because its purpose has been fulfilled.

This is the Catch-22. You had to enter the relationship to see what was hidden. But in healing yourself, you may outgrow the very dynamic that drew you in. And that’s the gift. Now, instead of seeking someone to complete you, you choose from wholeness. And from that space, everything changes.